On Friendship

What defines friendship today?

If you’ve watched R-rated crass guy movies like, I Love You Man, or Hangover, or even the less-crass and incredibly innocent sequel in Pixar’s Cars franchise, you’ll quickly ascertain the American definition. If I may paraphrase…

American friendship can be defined as the relationship between two people where one can act however one wants without fear of criticism and without fear of rejection.

As a generalization, that’s probably true—especially for guys. I would attempt to surmise what a girl friendship would be, but I’d end up writing volumes and volumes and I’d still be utterly wrong and clueless—such complexities are beyond my discipline and paygrade. Nonetheless, I don’t think this definition, since it is a simplification, is gender-specific.

What is the value of this type of friendship?

Well, certainly, it allows for my most base actions, reactions, and unfiltered mind vomit to have acceptance within a group of trusted secret-keepers. In other words, I can act out (whether maturely or immaturely), I can go totally unrestrained (“be myself”), I can do things that perhaps I am not allowed to do in mixed company, at the office, or in church, and I can tell my friends how I really feel—the unabridged version.

It sounds incredibly liberating. Almost like the quintessential summary scenes in almost all of Owen Wilson’s movies, where he’s convinced everyone to get along and they all end up having some sort of fantasy evening together (I apologize for the graphic suggestion, but I feel it’s relevant—stay with me).

But what if it’s not helpful at all?

What if, somewhere in the deeper recesses of my depraved mind, there’s something amiss?

Well, wait a moment—that might be what’s amiss. It’s a depraved mind, isn’t it?

Let’s review this again, but let’s put a more comprehensive, and (historic) Christian spin on it.

We can act however we want around each other.

As liberating as that may sound, when my kids get to “do whatever they really want”, they don’t exactly choose what’s best for themselves. If I allowed my 5-year-old, for instance, to choose his own meals, I’m not sure he’d last for more than 3 days before he’d be in the emergency room. Similarly, if I allowed my flesh to run a-muck with its base desires, I’d quit my job, play games or watch movies all day, and treat everyone around me as though they were simply in my way of “having a good time”. I dare not continue to dwell on what I would truly do to my family because, in my current frame of mind, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Really? Thinking about acting however I want would make me sick to my stomach? Clearly some will think that I’m nuts or that my thoughts are darker and more sinister or lascivious than the run-of-the-mill “good” person! But that’s just it: no one does good. Not one. Not me, not the sweet grandmother you might know—not one of us (Romans 3:10-12).

So while I’m acting like this, as we review, we notice that American friendship defines our friend’s role as one who does not criticize and does not reject. You may hear this in your own head as “don’t judge” or “don’t be holier-than-thou”, but it’s all the same. We, as the friends, are charged in this definition, with the responsibility of NOT confronting the companion on principle, because to do so would be to criticize and, at its logical end, possibly reject.

No one wants to be rejected by a friend. No one wants to be judged—well, at least judged to be in the wrong!

First, how does this line up with the historic Christian understanding of our waging a constant war against our flesh (Romans 8:13)? If we are putting to death the deeds of the body (according to flesh), shouldn’t we be striving—daily—to do good? Shouldn’t we be striving to understand more of God’s truth and to see the Holy Spirit sanctifying us? If, indeed, we are Christians, and yet we walk in darkness—in acts of our old selves or acts of our flesh—do we not betray that we are not practicing the truth (1 John 1:6)?

Suddenly, I look back to the example of Owen Wilson movies that I cited and I feel a twinge of pain. Was this really an appropriate movie? Was it really something that, by watching it and enjoying it, that I was using to satisfy my flesh? Alas, I cannot reconcile the two as coexistent; I cannot serve two masters. If I am truly to walk in the light, I cannot continue to do this in good conscience.

So as to the first point, it appears that acting however we want is, in almost all cases, not the best idea at all, but the opposite of the best idea—it goes against the very truths we seek to affirm in our lives for the assurance of our salvation: that I am daily being sanctified—not to perfection, but certainly, after a fashion, “trending upward”.

Secondly, I worry that the responsibilities of a true, Christian friend have been abrogated in this particular American definition. All Christians have a responsibility, first and foremost, to obey God. So what does He have to say about friendship?

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” – Proverbs 27:6

Hmph. Seems like maybe the writer got this backwards when compared to the discussed definition of friendship. In our definition, it’s the friends who are giving kisses and the enemies who are wounding us. But wait—the author here is one of those folks who was inspired by God, so, really, it’s essentially an authorship belonging to The Word (a.k.a. Jesus).

Further, we see some other good examples of Christian friendship: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love” (Proverbs 27:5—just a verse before our above example); “It is better for a man to hear the rebuke of the wise than to hear the song of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:5); “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3).

Now this changes things dramatically. We have inspired wisdom literature demonstrating that friendship includes rebuke. We have Jesus telling his disciples to rebuke one another in order that they may come to repentance.

So now we’re beginning to see that friendship—as defined by God—is a lot more difficult than the friendship purported by the world. God’s version of friendship includes the trust and ability between two friends to speak plainly to one another about sin in the others’ life. And, as a recipient of such a rebuke, we are to welcome it as a route to repentance and a better temporal life.

But, unfortunately, the complications don’t stop there.

You see, we have a funny way of “turning the tables” when we’re attacked. We don’t want people to judge us as wrong, remember? We may seem to accept these conditions, but, when push comes to shove, the rebuke is not really welcomed—it’s considered a sin in and of itself.

In our definition, even when partially repaired to include “rebuke”, the standard of conduct hasn’t really changed—just some of the terms of the game. See, the standard still says, “You aren’t really allowed to judge me,” and that doesn’t allow the new terms to work correctly. They flop on first try.

What do I mean? Do I have an example? Surely—I have had my own experiences on both sides. I have been rebuked—rightfully so, for biblical disobedience in one thing or another—and I have pulled the TONE card. “I don’t like your tone, therefore what you have said to me is not admissible in the Court of Frank.”

Hmph. It may not be tone for you. Perhaps it’s, “You’re not being loving,” or perhaps it’s, “You are pious and holier-than-thou.”

But wait… Doesn’t that put us back at square one again? Aren’t we just looking for ways out of the rebuke now? Surely—our flesh is shrewd like that. And this is exactly why we must crucify it daily. It is exactly why Paul described his own struggle in Romans 7 and is critical of himself for “doing what he does not want to do” because he knows it is wrong.

We are guilty as charged, regardless of how the evidence was acquired, how it was presented, or how much love is or is not in the delivery.

Might I suggest a different approach to friendship? Might I suggest something that defies our flesh and requires diligence, discipline, and vigilance? Might I suggest that we are perhaps too lazy for our own good, in that we will seek out complex and time-consuming work within our own minds just to determine an apt excuse for our sin or to discredit the accuser—when what is said is true anyway?

True friendship should be based upon the common bond between believers: the truth of the Word of God and the faith derived therein. Without this basis, friendship ceases to have long-term meaning. It ceases to be a means to benefit either party as at least one party is always at the mercy of another master—not truth. If that truth isn’t really the basis, there will be a moment when one or both parties must concede or compromise and it leaves the soul of the person torn in two—one half serving the idyllic definition of friendship, the other attempting to serve truth.

If we can start with truth, we can move forward—aiding one another in hope in the thoroughly persecuted job of sanctification, rather than pulling one another back down in strides of frivolity. We will—in time—become quite a bit better at our delivery of truth, because the true, Holy Spirit-driven increase in truth is truth-in-love—the love that would want to wound a friend for his own good, but to be precise and self-cauterizing enough to do so for his benefit.

Finally, as Christians, it is our duty to speak the truth to those that begin to wander into error.

“My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” - James 5:19-20

A true friend wants to fulfill that duty. Alas, he may be met with resistance or rejection, but God forbid he avoids it for the sake of satisfying the definition of an American friend.

I hope this helps. More than that, I hope that I can fulfill the tenets of the friendship as described by my Lord, whose ways are far greater than my own, and whose wisdom I must trust even when it contradicts that which I have known for so long.

(As an aside, my wife gets kudos for pointing out that I should add this next [and very vulnerable] section… Be kind.)

While I may sound like one who is an authority, I would be amiss in leading you, the reader, to believe such is the case on this topic. It is immensely close to my heart because I have many people in whose lives I have been privileged to share an investment, some of whom have summarily rejected me (and my family) or resisted my rebukes.

Perhaps my tone is amiss, perhaps my timing is poor, perhaps my statements are crude and my method of engagement is seemingly cold and callous. I have, by NO means, mastered eloquence. However, I do not believe that my cause for concern is purely out of self-righteousness. I suppose I could sit and point fingers, making accusations about my impressions of people’s lives, but the minute-by-minute frequency with which I produce and then rebuke my own depraved prejudices has already earned me the death penalty (for which Christ has paid the awful price).

Rather, I attempt to resist the urge to personally admonish until I am utterly compelled by something that I would consider a Scriptural mandate. If, in such a case, I am wrong, I would hope that a Christian friend would be willing to address and defend the content of my concern, rather than the method of its delivery—yet, so far, this has not been my experience.

So I wrote this post because of a question in my mind after these experiences: Do we, as modern American Christians, really even know what friendship is supposed to look like?

As I gain the experience to speak more about it, I shall. Until then, the above (which is my fallible distillation of biblical truth), is what I know.

As always, feel free to comment. Perhaps you can offer further distillation?